When I went through premature menopause I had to navigate a body that seemed foreign and a mind that was out of control and this was so challenging I barely had a second to check in with my heart. And yet, the emotional elements were some of the ones that required most patience and softness to heal and process. Today, I consider it the most important dimension of the menopause transition and with this article I want to invite you to do the same.
As a society we have such a medicalised view of menopause that even discussing mental health implications seems innovative. All the discussion about hormones helps cement the vision of menopause as merely a bodily experience, at the most with some mental health implications. The emotional side of it is ignored and underplayed. It’s not just menopause, as a society we are disconnected from our hearts and I would argue that this is one of the main reasons for many of our health problems.
In the case of menopause, the process can bring with it negative emotions and a sense of loss, at the same time that it can foster emotional insight and depth, and oh so much growth if we just let it.
We are not JUST our bodies and the menopause transition is not only about hormonal changes. It is the birth of a new self and such a profound transition deeply affects our most inner identity core as well as our relationships. The process of rebirthing ourselves necessarily brings with it that some parts of us must die. It is in this tension between grieving and expecting parts of ourselves that the deep heart work of the menopause is carried out. Of course this intimate negotiation does not happen in a vacuum, and some of the heart “wounds” we experience in this process are created and exacerbated by our social surroundings. We mourn the death of our younger selves ever so loudly in our societies obsessed with youth and never ageing. I will write more about this in our next article about the politics of menopause but wanted to mention it here because as hopefully is becoming clear in this series of articles: it is all connected. And paradoxically, connection is a great antidote for any menopause-related malaise.
But I am jumping to the end, and this story, like most stories about expanding our hearts, actually starts with pain. The pain of grief. Even those women that experience no symptoms or bothersome health experiences during their menopause transition report as a commonality the feeling of loss and grieving. Grieving for their youth, their fertility, their selves, their energy and the clarity of who they were and where they belonged until now. This is also a time to reflect on all those things that never were and the things that will never be. We take stock of our lives, of the “phantom ships” (in the words of Cheryl Strayed) that didn’t carry us and parallel lives and paths we never took. And we grieve. Our selves that are dying and our selves that never came to be. And it hurts. And my beloved sisters, it is meant to hurt, because it is in the alchemising fire of this grief that our new selves are forged. In the process of mourning we find the strength of our new selves and we realise after all these years we have truly become our own homes, our own shelters from the storm. What emerges in the process is the woman we were meant to be, the one that has lost and ached and survived it all with poise and grace. That is the gift of our transformation. The way it is meant to be.
What is not meant to be however, is that we go through this grieving in isolation. Although no one can do my grieving—and growing, for that matter—for me, the power of sociality and community in this process of death and rebirth cannot be understated. There is power and there is healing in sharing my experience and being received, understood and held in sisterhood. This is sadly something that is sorely lacking in our current societies. In this stage the support of a group or circle of women is invaluable. As a menopause doula, I see a big part of my service in facilitating these spaces. And I experience over and over how when one woman shares her struggles and is faced with a knowing “I feel the same” or “I am going through the same,” it is true healing. In the support of my community I can finally move from the resistance in thinking there is something wrong with me to the acceptance that this is challenging at times for everyone and that support is at hand. Over and over I am floored at the healing potential of just sharing ourselves and being received openly and with love.
Speaking of our communities, the taking stock of menopause also invites to an emotional decluttering. The same way that at this time we are invited to assess if our health habits are supporting us or diminishing us, the menopause transition asks of us that we evaluate what and who is feeding or starving our heart. Where am I not setting boundaries, where am I moved by a hunger to please or acting out of codependency are some of the questions to ask of ourselves right now, if we hadn’t done it before. Time to go through our relationships and assess with whom I feel seen, loved, safe. We are asked to be honest about what we need in our relationships and whether we are really getting it from our current constellations. Sadly, some will not make the cut. With love and gratitude we let them go, we allow these non-fulfilling relations to die together with the self that thought that was all we deserved and did not dare ask for more. We give birth to our more authentic self that is not afraid to ask for and receive the love and safety she deserves.
With this, I want to invite you to embrace this transition as an opportunity for expansion. Give space to this, to it all: the grieving of what is dying and the trepidation of what is being born. Be there for your experience because it sometimes is scary and it hurts but it always matters. Reach for the hands of other sisters in this path of love, loss and connection. That’s what being human is all about. And in all of this, open your heart and treat it with the tenderness it deserves.
All other photos found on Pexels!
Tags: Menopause, Self-Care
Jennifer Chan de Avila is a Mexican researcher and menopause doula based in Berlin, passionate about empowering others on their menopause journeys. With a background as a journalist and a PhD in Political Science focusing on Gender Relations, Jennifer has dedicated her career to researching, teaching, and writing about Intersectional Feminism, Body Politics, and Diversity and Inclusion in organizations. At 37, her life took an unexpected turn when, after a year of feeling unwell and multiple doctor visits, she was diagnosed with premature menopause (now known as Premature Ovarian Insufficiency). This experience deeply transformed her. She left her job to focus on healing her body, mind, heart, and soul—a journey that continues to this day. Unable to find the support she needed, Jennifer trained as a menopause doula. Now, she shares what she’s learned and supports others through their menopause journeys, a role that she finds immensely fulfilling. Returning to academia, Jennifer is currently researching menopause and its relation to the workplace, developing strategies to make work environments more menopause-friendly. Through consulting and training, she helps organizations evolve and become more supportive. She is also the co-author of the forthcoming book,"Wechseljahre am Arbeitsplatz: Handlungskonzept für ein innovatives betriebliches Gesundheitsmanagement", which will be published by Transcript Verlag in January 2025. The book focuses on creating innovative corporate health strategies to support women through menopause in the workplace. Jennifer’s mission is to raise awareness about menopause in all its forms and to help others have a smoother experience than she did.
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